Muggle Survival Guide to Harry Potter: Year one
by Heart breaker99
Summary: Full summary inside. This is basically a guide on how to survive the harry potter universe by going through the motions. I am co writing this with 2 others and so the writing style may change a bit. It is suspose to be slightly humorous but otherwise just something for fun. Hope you enjoy.
1. Summary

Welcome evryone to Hogwarts school of whitcraft and wizardry. A place we are assured is safe for children and has absaloutly no history that might threaten our entire our existence. However since you are a muggle there are a few dangers that pose a threat to your existence. Now here is a book that we have been told will guide you through the many dangers in Hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry, and the world. Enjoy your stay here and Welcome to Hogwarts.

We own nothing except that of which we make up ourselves.


	2. Owls: Receiving your letter

Now contrary to popular belief receiving your letter isn't just an owl swooping down and dropping a letter at your doorstep or through your chimney like, oh what do you muggles call him? Santa I think. Over here we call him Nicholas,fastest man to ever travel around the world without using a broomstick. Enough of this history lesson you will learn more about this when you arrive. Now some of the fatalities may include... suffocation, decapitation and or paper cuts.

Suffocation: this is quite the common occurrence when receiving your letter, mind you it hasn't happened to a muggles in quite some time. In fact you have a 90% chance of not being suffocated to death. Now there is a simple way to avoid this option, once you receive your letter open it straight away and don't wait for more owls to come and drop more letters because otherwise they will just keep coming and coming until you eventually are suffocated to death and then you die. (oh wow what a surprise there)

Decapitation: Now this is actually a quite common occurrence, you would be quite surprised how many people have managed to meet this sad demise. It is quite simple now you can fall under this fate, much like the suffocation. If you don't see or open your letter after sometime then the letters start getting a bit bored, and when the letters get bored they start looking for excitement, they also tend to move quite quickly too. So when you wake up in the morning and head down to get a quick cuppa to wake up with and all if a sudden a letter comes flying at (the letter will come flying at you because if will think that you are exciting) and before you know it you're the newest member of the headless hunt. An easy way to stop this from happening is to just read your letter when you get it at the start. Even if you've been away for a while there may still be hope and all you have to do when you come home is open straight away.

Paper cuts: probably the most common and the worst to receive. These dastardly things are the reason our society use our magic to write, open and read our letters. These are almost impossible to avoid and I suggest that you just open your letter and hope for the best. The reason that there is little writing about this is because of the how many people are afraid of this, many believe that the great salazar slytherin created a curse to give someone a paper cut although this has never been proven.

Now please don't let this scare you away from the most prosperous time you may have as long as you follow these simple guidelines in this survival guide. Next stop (as long as you haven't been decapitated, suffocated and/or had a life threatening papercut) buying your stationary.

We hold no rights to any of this material except that of which we create. :)

If you have any ideas for the next chapter or reviews please don't hesitate to review the next chapter is 'Diagon alley: Buying your stationary' :)


	3. Diagon Alley: Gringotts

Welcome to Diagon Alley

Now If you have made it thus far then you have accomplished a great achievement. Pat yourself on your back for a job well done.

To get to Diagon alley you must first go through the Leaky Cauldron, Now the Leaky cauldron is not a bad place. You might even get to see some of your teachers here on a quick break before heading back to Hogwarts. Theres one now, Professor Quirrell, He's the Defence against the Dark Arts teacher at Hogwarts sadly he took a break one year to get some hands on experience, rumour has it he met Vampires and Hags, scared of his own students and scared of his own subject now.

To get to Diagon Alley you must go through the back of the Leaky Cauldron and you will come up to a brick wall. Each brick will equal one, with that in mind you go push 3 up and then 2 across and a hole will begin in form, it will gradually get bigger until you're in the archway entrance to Diagon Alley.

Now if you look around you can see store after store of everything you need for your school year. Firstly however you need to get some money. If you go straight ahead you will see a scary and pillar looking building and that there is 'Gringotts' one of the most secure places in all of the wizarding world, apart from Hogwarts of course. Now at Gringotts there are Goblins. Goblins are not the nicest people in the world, they can be nasty at times and if you're not careful they will hurt you. Now gringotts is as you can already tell a lot different from any and all muggle banks, part of the fact is how you get around gringotts.

In gringotts you travel around by using a cart like train. The goblins tend to get into the habit of scaring the newcomers by making it go faster and spin more than a rollercoaster ride. Please note that going to to gringotts is not recommended if you have one of these following conditions…

Heart problems

Epilepsy

Cowardness

Fear of being upside down

Pregnant

Bad case of Baby voice

Motion sickness

And or prone to clumsiness

Now just like the last one there are a few things that tend to happen to people, these are… Decapitation, Falling out and or Incineration.

Decapitation: This seems to be quite the common one in our world. Both Muggles and some obnoxious wizards and witches fall under this tragic end. An easy way to avoid this is to do one simple thing… 'Keep your hands and feet inside of the vehicle at all times.' This is basically to avoid overhead objects and any other things that may try to hurt you.

Falling out: Probably the most common accident to happen, falling out of you cart while it is going at 200 miles an hour is easy and terrifying. As long as you hold on tight, trying not to loose grip and then hopefully not falling out while doing a full 360 with sharp turns and sudden stops. Before you ask yes someone has fallen out at a sudden stop, those were dark times...

Last but certainly not least, Incineration: Probably the least likely, deep in Gringotts there lies a particular set of vaults, these vaults are of some of the oldest living purebloods and are guarded by (If you hadn't already guessed) a dragon, oh aye he'll melt the flesh straight off your bones as some would say. The easiest way to stay away from this fate is quite simple… Don't try to impersonate one of these family members and attempt to break into these vaults. Even if you did get past the dragon there is still a bit of a problem involving the actual door but I will tell you more about that when it becomes necessary.

Great now that, that is over how about we move on to buying our stationary of course if you haven't been decapitated, Incinerated or fallen out.

I'm so sorry that I haven't updated in so long, honestly I opened my laptop and looked at what I had written and my mind went blank with what to do. I am co writing this with two others and we own nothing except that of which we create, All credit goes to J.K Rowling.


	4. Diagon Alley: Buying your stationary

Now that you have your money lets go spend it!

Now along with your letter saying that you have been accepted it will also come with another letter explaining what you need.

**First year list:**

**Uniform:**

Three sets of plain work robes: black

One plain pointed hat: black for everyday wear

One pair of protective gloves: dragon hide or similar

One winter cloak: black, silver fastenings

_Please note that all pupil's clothes should have name tags._

**Course Books:**

_**The Standard Book Of Spells: Grade 1**_

by Miranda Goshawk

_**A History Of Magic**_

by Bathilda Bagshot

_**Magical Theory A Beginners Guide To Transfiguration **_

_B_y Adalbert Waffling

_**One Thousand Magical Herbs And Fungi **_

_By Emeric Switch_

_**Magical Draft And Potions **_

_By Phyllida Spore_

_**Fantastic Beasts And Where To Find Them **_

By Newt Scamander

_**The Dark Forces: A Guide to Self-Protection **_

By Quentin Trimble

**Other Equipment:**

1 wand

1 cauldron: pewter, standard size 2

1 set glass or crystal phials

1 telescope

1 set brass scales

Students may also bring an owl, cat or a toad.

**PARENTS ARE REMINDED THAT FIRST YEARS ARE NOT ALLOWED THEIR OWN BROOMSTICKS.**

So that is what it should look like. Now below we have put down a few places where you can buy your things, they are…

**Money - Gringotts Wizarding Bank**: Already done that

**Clothes - Madam Malkin's Robes For All Occasions**: Be careful going in there with any female members as you won't leave for an eternity

**School Books - Flourish And Blotts**: Any bookworms are advised to get in there early as you may not leave for a while

**Apothecary - Basic Potion Ingredients**: Watch out for the eyes that follow you

**Wand - Ollivanders**: Don't really have a warning for him except be careful when trying out your wands and he tends to swing on the ladder of his bookcase, wand case, area thing

**Potage's Cauldron Shop: **This is where you can buy your cauldron's, it is also the ideal place for an epic game of hide and go seek

**Scribbulus Writing Instruments: **In this place you will find all your ink and parchments needed for your school year, be aware though to watch young children there as there is alot of arts supplies within their reach

Last but not least once you have shopped here for your school supplies it is time to get a little treat for yourself. Diagon alley has an assortment of shops and restaurants, a few of them are…

**Florean Fortescue's Ice Cream Parlour** is an Ice cream parlour where she sells all types of Ice creams.

**Rosa Lee teabag **is a tea shop where all you tea loving muggles can go and taste a brew worth remembering.

**Sugarplum's Sweets Shop **is as you can probably already tell by the name a sweets shop that sells sweets.

These are just a few places but I must hasten us as we are already running late by just walking around. Now once you have your school supplies we must get your animal, according to the list you can get a cat, an owl or a toad. You can buy these at **Eeylops Owl Emporium** or **Magical Menagerie**. Now there are a few things that can happen while buying your stationery and other supplies, Trapulation, Stressulation, and Death.

**Tampulation**: or easily put 'being trampled or trodden on'. Quite easily to fall under this because there are so many kids and adults rushing to get the best bargains or the best of the best and you kinda end up on the ground with footprints prints all over you. If you want an image of what you look like just think of Loki after he was tossed around by the Hulk in 'The Avengers'. Yes we wizards watch these things too, besides it had one of the best wizards in history Loki being portrayed in it, why wouldn't we want to watch it?

**Stressulation**: or in basic terms 'STRESS OVERLOAD!' This can happen quite easily when you have just found out you're going to hogwarts and now you have to buy all these VERY specific books and school equipment the stress starts to build up until before you know it you've had a stroke before your 50. An easy way to avoid this is quite simple really, when you start to have the stress build up 'Have a break...have a kitkat' that or just take a few deep breaths and just keep moving.

**Death**: Sadly this isn't as rare of an occurrence as we would like. This can occur: Usually with females by what we call duels you muggles call fights. Usually obnoxious mothers try to bring down other mothers or children and they retaliate, please for goodness sake, unless you know you will win use your 'WITS'

Walk away

Ignore them

Talk to Someone if it continues and…

Stand up for yourself

Only use the last one if you know you will win. Well now that you have gotten through all the obstacles you can now go to school where you will learn how to do all this without lifting a finger. Next stop, platform 9 ¾.


End file.
